I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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