You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
