Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
