She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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