Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
