I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
