you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
