i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.