I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you