meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba