he was CRYING into my vagina
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
