She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
