need another drink. this is the easiest way
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
