Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
