I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
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Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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