I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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