Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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