the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
