dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
