Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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