You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Boobs speak an international language.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
