I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
