i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
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There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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