Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
