If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
