You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
