The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
