I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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