I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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