just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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