I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
