Your face is a jimmy john
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
