i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
