i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
