I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
