Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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