I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
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I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
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Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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