She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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