Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
