Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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