But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
