dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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