Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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