You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
