ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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