I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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