thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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