Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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