he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
