I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
