My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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