just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
