Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
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I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
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