He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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