I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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