sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
where are my eyebrows?
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